


Halide

by G-L (UNACCEPTABLE)



Category: Disobedience (2017)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 05:42:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17822969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNACCEPTABLE/pseuds/G-L
Summary: After Ronit returns to New York she decides to look over some old photos.The story alternates between past and present day, consisting mainly of flashbacks.





	Halide

 

Carefully sliding her fingers over the rim of rigid plastic Ronit couldn’t help but feel an ache, a longing. She did this often, picking up the rolls of undeveloped film, not daring to open them. It was as if she was afraid that if she disturbed what was inside it would unwind, not illuminate, the memories she had of those moments. Unravel them, untangle them - ruining the delicately woven threads like a carefully rolled ball of twine tossed from the edge of a counter.

She usually couldn’t bear the thought of it. The thought that the years, decades even could have faded, tinted and warped these memories. That the reality she’d see in these photos might reveal what she thought of them wasn’t true. And that was a thought she couldn’t bear.

But today there was something off. The day didn’t feel new, or particularly dissimilar. By all accounts this was the most typical day she’d had in weeks since her visit to London. But there was a shift, a subtle change. Like tasting the first bitter sip of coffee and thinking, this can’t have ever tasted like this before. Or rounding the corner of the driveway and realising, my God, have the autumn leaves always fallen like this, does the orange glow of the sun always feel like this?

No, today wasn’t any different. But it was nothing she’d ever known all the same.

Maybe it was the loss of her father, or seeing Esti again, but today she didn’t place the film carefully back in its place. She didn’t close the heavy wooden lid keeping those memories safe, unmarred by the caustic air. She moved to the back room of her apartment, roll in hand. Opening the door, the inky blackness was startling, the sudden change almost suffocating as she entered. She felt like the film might, when she peeled back the lid and drew it from its slumber. But she was compelled, for the first time, to follow through and see what was on the other side.

 

-

 

_1 – shining through, bright and bleak_

It was summer, but as the early morning light began to shine over the horizon the grey was pierced only by light, not yet by heat. It would still be hours before it warmed up, and so she stood there, staring through the gently swaying leaves of the tree before her. She could see the fog of her breath as she exhaled.

“Cold?” a small voice chimed behind her. She couldn’t tell if the single word was an indication that she needn’t say more, or if Esti was hesitant to disturb the tentative silence.

She turned to face Esti, her teasing smirk lending to the sarcasm in her tone. The sun shined streaks of light over her features, and at once Ronit found herself stunned. _I love you_ she wanted to say, she wanted to scream. To yell so loud that every bird and every stone could hear. But she found that even if she tried, she wouldn’t be able to. She could barely breathe.

Calmly Esti tugged the strap at Ronit’s shoulder, unphased. Gazing at the camera as it was pulled free, she saw Esti move it to her eye. The glint of the lens came into view as the cap was removed. Wordlessly Esti smiled, clicking the shutter and drawing it from her face.

 

-

 

Ronit stared at the carefully placed prints, spread evenly and pinned. There were only two hanging so far with another bathing in a shallow container behind her. She didn’t find the process tedious, rather she enjoyed the care it took; each photograph meticulously placed and waited on. She felt each print; each memory, deserved the patience this process required.

 

-

_2 – these nights I feel it true_

The chaotic bustle around her seemed less comforting than it normally might. She stayed close to the wall, taking sips small enough not to risk draining the liquid keeping her from having to engage. She looked around the room, her family busily recounting and reminiscing. A few close family friends and members of the synagogue had joined them for dinner.

“Ronit take a photo, won’t you?” a voice, her mothers, called through the noise. As everyone shuffled together, the streams of chatter dying down, she took her place behind the camera.

As she peered through the viewfinder it was almost startling to see everyone together, and to see herself missing from the row of people. Instead of feeling as though something was missing, as she thought she might, the scene seemed exactly as it should be. She couldn’t help but wonder, then, that If the photo was developed with her in tow it would seem wrong. Like an imposter, a lacewing infiltrating an aphid nest, ready to destroy it from the inside out.

She shook the thought away, pressing the shutter and feigning a smile.

 

_3 – fever pitch_

The door slammed heavily against its frame. Esti’s body was pressed firmly against it and Ronit’s, in turn, against hers. The only thing cutting through the heavy silence was the disjointed harmony of staggered breathing. They each looked at one another, Esti seeming to struggle not to bow her head and break contact. It was difficult even to process. One minute they were in the hallway, stifled gasps of laughter echoing throughout. They had been linked, Esti’s right arm rubbing against her own as they stumbled to the door. After a final exhale their eyes met, and there was a pause as the remnant glow of the joke they’d made left the room. Before either could react, here they were. The heavy wood was pushed open and closed again, the small gap between them closing in tandem. There was a tension so sudden and tenuous both seemed to fear a single word could cut it loose.

And so, they each said nothing. _Could_ say nothing. Their lips met, clashing together ungracefully. Neither minded, the ungainly affair too fraught with emotion to acquiesce to appearance. They stumbled backwards towards the bed, hands grasping one another’s coats. They each sat on the edge of the mattress, their frantic entanglement suddenly broken. The separation seemed almost to snap the two out of their daze. Ronit’s hands had slipped from their place, and their fingers now lay entwined before them. As she stared at them her memory slipped back to the first time they kissed. It was tentative, forgiving, almost mistakeable as cordial. It was delicate and uncertain. It was nothing like this.

Ronit slid one hand from Esti’s, making sure she kept the other still. Pulling free from her messenger bag her camera and pointing it at their clasped hands, she solidified the moment into permanency.

 

_4 – epoch_

It was lying there, the thick cloak of night heavy around her, that she felt most free. It was as if the acute eye of judgement couldn’t penetrate the absence of light. In the morning everything would begin again. She would have no choice but to re-enter her life, materialise back into existence. But here, in the dark, she felt as if nothing could touch her.

She couldn’t see Esti, but she swore in this reticence she could feel her. She gazed at where the still form lay beside her. They had yet to confront the magnitude of their last encounter, as if they each entered an alternate dimension. A self-contained reality that existed only once they entered, falling away as soon as they left.

She couldn’t tell how long she’d been laying here, staring at the darkness beside her. She swore she hadn’t slept, and now the initial blue light beyond the curtain was inciting calls of the birds outside. Slipping back the covers, careful not to disturb the sleeping body beside her, she silently pulled on her coat.

Outside the sharp air almost stung, the dimly lit street still unnervingly bright in comparison to the bedroom.

 

-

 

As she exited the room her eyes struggled to regain focus, the sudden change almost throwing her off balance. She closed the door behind her, leaving the photo’s she’d finished hanging to develop in peace. Her hand still heavy on the door to steady herself she exhaled, an emptiness overcoming her. She almost forgot the stillness of her own apartment. The silence was stifling after the distraction of her progress. She took a step forward, releasing another sigh she’d been keeping at bay. The memories enclosed, the pictures sealed safely in the room behind her, she was finally ready to leave them behind.  


End file.
